Apathy no more...

Deuteronomy 6:5
"And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might."

What does it mean to love?

That’s worth meditating on and that’s where I have been spending my time. How do I love when I…if you want me to be completely honest, don’t feel anything? I have been repenting and even grieved at how “hard hearted” I have been or have atleast thought myself to be. God has since enlightened me on this and you might think that the words “hard hearted” are a bit strong, especially when God hardened Pharoah’s heart but that’s exactly what it is. The only difference is…God didn’t do this! Muscles are meant to be used and are kept flexible by use but what happens when you don’t use your muscle? It becomes stiff and hard! I have not been using my heart! In fact…I would even go as far as to say, I have been stiff necked! My eyes have been so fixed on me and my circumstance that I have hardly turned my head to the right or to the left!

Well…I have spent time and come face to face with this demon that I have lived with for most of my life. I have so fixated myself on making sure I am comfortable…that I am happy…that I have what I need and what I want…yes…even taking the Word of God and time spent with Him and relishing in His love…and hording it, thinking that it belongs only to me. It’s apathy and it is pathetic and I AM DONE WITH IT! I want to be consumed with asking the question “How are you?” and I want to be so provoked by the answer that I am moved to do something about it because if I really listen…my heart will respond! My head…which by the way, contains these two things called eyes that the Holy Spirit uses to look through and see the need…will be turned!

On Sunday night, the Lord delivered me. I sat on the floor and my head and neck shook uncontrollably. I was planted in the altar and the Lord would not allow me to get up, no matter how hard I tried and any time I would try to stop the head turning…it would begin again and the pain in my neck would increase. I was even having pains in my heart and thought at one point, something was really wrong. I was completely aware that the preaching had begun and I did not want to be a distraction (and thankfully Ps. Sharon had said that we could stay in the altars) but the truth is…I was the one distracted and God so desired my attention. God has said to me that I have not even begun to cry and I know this…still the tears have barely come, despite the release I feel inside and I believe that a beginning is pending but I see it like this. We are to renew our minds by the washing of the water of the word. And just like when we are washing our clothes and the washer must be filled, it doesn’t drain out until the clothes are clean. Well, I believe the waters are washing over my mind still and soon they will drain. And then there’s a rinse cycle…and heaven help me…a spin cycle and the clothes can then come out for everyone to see…hung out on the line so to speak and thus, they become part of my wardrobe.

And then…just like in the natural…the washer is ready for another load. And believe me…God will show me what needs to be washed.

This bringing me back to the word and to Sunday night when I got home. This all seems rather personal and I guess another analogy would work here…no one wants to air out their dirty laundry but I get to today (as Pastor Sharon would say)! Praise God! Anyway, when I got home, I went to bed…my body still ringing literally…and the enemy was waiting. All night I warred because he told me I was going to die…that I had just shook my brain loose and that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning and it felt like it but IT WAS A LIE! I was up half the night and didn’t know how I was going to function the next day but my Savior was right there with me. Try as I may, I could find nothing in the Word that seemed to help or would even quiet this thing but it didn’t change what I know… that Jesus Christ is my life and the length of my days and no weapon that is formed against me shall prosper…that’s my inheritance! Morning came, I got up, got dressed, got the kids off to school and headed off to work and of course, my head hurt and my muscles ached…PRAISE GOD because when your muscles ache…especially those in your neck…you know your head has been turning! I had worked some "hard" muscles loose and they felt like flesh again!

I went through my day in a fog…and fear seemed to pursue me all day. I got home and the kids and I got dinner and rented a movie and as I was relaxing on the couch…my daughter came to me and said, “Mommy…my belly hurts and I don’t feel well.” Her face was flushed and I asked her, “Are you afraid?” And she said, “I don’t want to be sick on my birthday.” (...the next day was her birthday.) I pulled her up on my lap and began praying and again the threats started coming to me… that she would be sick and I was going to die. You see, the spirit of death knew me …there were spiritually dead places in my heart and in my life…and it did not want to leave. It knew it was done but fear was it’s helper and if I would just be afraid….

Well, I promptly stood up! I didn’t want to scare my girl but I said, “That’s it! Spirit of death! Get out! Spirit of fear! You too! Get out of my house! I opened the door…walked out on the porch, opened the second door and said, “GET OUT!”

And shut the door and went back inside and enjoyed the movie!

Later I went to bed and listening to night sounds on He’s Alive Radio, got more free (whoohoo!) and spent time in the Word and thus….Deuteronomy 6:5…

“And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.”

I have heard this and prayed this many times over and now it has set me free!

The word love here has nothing to do with emotions or feelings and is in no way subject to apathy! It means this…”to make ones choice in”.


I shall make my choice in the Lord my God, with all my heart, and with all my soul and with all my might! I will make my choice in the Lord my God whenever He asks me to talk to someone for Him, to give provision to someone for Him, to heal someone for Him, to have love toward…, to have compassion for…, to have mercy on…, to demonstrate grace to…, to…to…to..! I will make the choice in Him with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my might!

When I make my choice in Him, I am loving Him! When I make my choice in Him, I am loving them! I am a loving person! I am! I don’t have to feel anything to chose! I just chose! Chose…chose…chose! Bring on the choices Lord…I want to lavish love on you today! I want to lavish love on others today! Let me chose!